Molotov

Greetings, Citizens of Planet Earth.

I am Comrade Vernes, Chairman of the Sorbonne Gun Club, Agent of the Fourth International, and democratically appointed Ambassador of the République Céleste Parisienne to the capitalist entities known as the French Republic and the United Nations.

We, the Workers' and Students' Councils of Paris, hereby declare our Heavenly Republic to be an autonomous, sovereign nation, governed by the working class of Paris itself. Charles de Gaulle, the Tyrant of France, has fled to Germany. This alone should confirm the inherent legitimacy of our cause.

In a world which is topsy-turvy, we can only rely on ourselves to accomplish the impossible. As they say, soyez réalistes, demandez l'impossible. So, we will only demand the realistic. We ask that the French Armed Forces is stood down and demobilised so that this spectacle may end, that medical aid and other necessities of life are delivered to Paris, and that the power supply of the City not be turned off. In the words of Comrade Lenin: "Communism is Soviet power plus the electrification of the whole country." We can handle only half of that.

If our demands are not immediately met, we will immediately request that the Revolutionary High Command in Buenos Aires immediately commences the immediate sterilization of the World. Avec Che au ciel, etc. etc.

The French Fifth Republic declares the 'Parisian Heavenly Republic' to be illegitimate and not representing the wishes of the people of France, much less Paris proper. We demand that you lay down your arms and return home immediately. Failure to do so will be treated accordingly.

The United Kingdom also declares the Parisian Heavenly Republic illegitimate, and will work with France to help put down this open rebellion.

If the French Republic allows us, the Argentine Legion stands ready for deployment into the streets of Paris, to liberate our fellow humans from Alien dominance.

The Soviet Union calls upon all true Marxist-Leninist to reject this illegitimate government! Honor your ancestors by engaging in protests against this wicked movement. Do not let the memory of the Parisian commune be sullied by blindly being pawns of aliens!

The French Fifth Republic appreciates the offer of both the British and the Argentineans, but does not require any assistance in handing this domestic matter at the moment.

The United States of America stands ready to support any and all efforts by the French Republic to once again liberate Paris. We understand the possible misgivings of our allies, the safety of innocent Parisians being everyone's utmost concern, but we will remind them that, despite recent differences, the USA stands ready to back in any capacity required of us the course of action undertaken by this sovereign nation.

We do, however, commend the Soviet stance against the invaders, even if it is offset by some of their other, more troubling, declarations. Coherence, gentlemen. We need it now more than ever.